01.01.70
LOS ANGELES - Fearing that a firmer than routine enforcement of any existing thought to be already too rigid laws requiring the dependable use of condoms on all Los Angeles-based adult film sets might severely penetrate what they've come to expect as their standard supply side take of regularly unreported profits, several of the of age film industry's leading bottom line oriented suppliers of smoothly accessed on-demand pornography have found it necessary to alert the media that there's a haler than good possibility that, should the local wooda coulda down in front wardrobe readjustment be further mandated as promised, those accountable for pulling more than just string in this line of work will have no alternative but to pronto gather up their overly extended full-tilt packages, their ultra-spacious assortment of strategic here to there and all the way back multi-gender destination points compulsory for a seemingly endless variety of totally receptive up close and familiar carnal activity, and, of course, whatever else is rumored to be located in any number of their well positioned district warehouses - typically, more or less (accent on more), packed to the brim with nothing but sex toys, G-strings, skimpy definitively unlatched female undergarments, and, oh yeah, several tons of hooker heels - if only to, most assuredly, relocate their transaction as unusual elsewhere. Meanwhile, this latest attempt by local lawmakers to bring additional forensic pressure upon the unsafe working condition business practices of district porn providers took an evermore dramatic step forward on Tuesday when the Los Angeles Urban district Council took time out from their busy schedule to drop what they were doing (with either dole out), and, collectively voted 8-1 in favor (with, apparently one vote held back as an abstention, and thus, ruled unacceptable, due to an otherwise all too obvious less than impressive improvement in frequency, size, and response) of a sanguinely better positioned ordinance that would from now on perpetually disallow film permits to porn producers (and/or, anyone claiming to be an ASSociate Head Producer in Charge of Hot Cha Cha on any future Jeremy Piven projects) who does not plainly (and/or, with the occasional decorative, warm to the touch-like assistance of sundry similar natured items sporting a variety of highly enticing colors) fulfil the as intended "Wear It, or Don't Bare It!" ways, as spelled out accordingly (using short unremarkable words), via the new and improved condom desideratum. "Needless to say," announced Ms. Katamaran, during a hastily staged smooth conference high atop the city hall steps, "the total council, except for, of course, Lou Gomez from Van Nuys, has demanded that this truly wide of the mark, totally uncalled for request by the PPOA - that a blue ribbon sub-cabinet panel of police personnel visually believed to be noticeably advantageous just to be here, the city attorney - including his after hours secretarial purse of "pudendum-tested/backdoor-approved special conjure up handlers," most, if not all, California state health officials who knowingly approve to lounge around nearby palatial hillside enclaves wearing nothing but socks, and, if at all accomplishable, anyone else currently affiliated with City of L.A. who has more than just a passing interest (specifically anything more than eight to ten inches) in either Belladonna, Diamond Collection, Flower Tucci, Francesca Felucci, Jada Fire, Jasmine Byrne, Lisa Ann, Sweet Lopez, Sativa Rose, Tiffany Mynx, Tory Lane, Veronica Lynn, and/or, surprisingly enough, try too tangled/would-be (not) funny gal, Kathy Griffin, all meet on an irregular basis in command to fully determine exactly how such a soon to be down on all fours measure might in episode be, more or less, just implied, rather than so aggressively enforced - be otherwise, categorically denied." "Or, to put it more bluntly," continued Doff, "when movies, worldwide web comradely Internet downloads, toys of an overt sexual nature, and a boyfriend stream of nocturnal admissions to dance clubs are carelessly tabulated by certified buyers accountants not yet under constant surveillance by watchdog authorities otherwise associated with the IRS, what we're talking about here is an completely thriving industry that delivers the goods to a tune of, well, about $8 billion a year in sometimes even from time to time taxable revenue. And, OK sure, it's become something of a battered duck and shelter biz, of sorts, as of late. For the most, temporarily - yet in some cases, permanently - getting nicked by the onslaught of our current never-popular recession, and, of course, the unrelenting, unrepentant approval of so much freely available Internet porn. All of which, of course, would be made even worse, what with the constant necessary for requiring more and more condoms, since, of course, that would only inevitably further cut into the as envisioned necessary profits of the task to the point where, well, all things considered, next to no one, I'm sure, would ever be able to find a way to once again successfully communicate more than just their usual business ends meet." "Well, solid, alright, but first let me drop off my screenplay with a guy over at Paramount, who's a friend of a pen-pal of the cousin of whoever now does my sister's ex-husband's mate's sister's neighbor's hair. Or something like that," said Henshaw. "And, while I'm at it, let me walk away one more thing perfectly clear: The use of condoms on adult film sets is, and always has been, the law in both Northern and Southern California, and, once in a while even enforced as such, allegedly, under the jurisdiction of already agreed upon blood-borne pathogens regulations. The only fad is, is that's it's a law that has, until now anyway, never been fully enforced, or, for that matter, observed by anyone. Singularly if, as has been proven time and time again, said anyone claims to be culturally unenlightened of the proper way in which to put on socks. Luckily though, with this new film permit ordinance, approved today by the conurbation council, outreach provisions will soon be in place to ensure that producers of adult films adhere to the existing law, and are in a better position to not only be dressed for success, but, better served, without waiting, at most participating 7 Eleven convenience stores and Trust 76 mini-marts.
Source: The Spoof (satire)
